Let’s go back to basics, first of all, and look at some of the definitions of emotional intelligence.
One source (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-...) describes it as “the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.”
Peter Salovey and John Mayer define emotional intelligence as "the ability to monitor one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior".
A third source (https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/basics/emotional-intelligence) states: “Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.
Emotional intelligence is generally said to include at least three skills: emotional awareness, or the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes both regulating one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same…
In recent years, some employers have even incorporated emotional intelligence tests into their application and interview processes, on the theory that someone high in emotional intelligence would make a better leader or coworker…
An emotionally intelligent individual is both highly conscious of his or her own emotional states, even negativity—frustration, sadness, or something more subtle—and able to identify and manage them. Such people are especially tuned in to the emotions that others experience. It’s understandable that a sensitivity to emotional signals both from within oneself and from one's social environment could make one a better friend, parent, leader, or romantic partner. Fortunately, these skills can be honed.”
So, it’s about recognising and managing one’s own emotions and possibly those of others, and, like any other skill, it can be learnt or improved. As with most things, practice makes it come naturally, and we will only want to practice something if we see an end goal in mind, most likely.
We know that if we recognise and even understand the emotions of others, then we can empathise better, and are more likely to be able to get along with them, support them and get the best out of them. So, all in all, it makes sense to want to develop our emotional intelligence, right? We may not be a natural, but if we apply ourselves then we’ll see improvement and can reap the benefits.
1. Understand our own emotions
One place to start is to get ‘in tune’ with our own emotions. When we are feeling something strongly, either negative or positive, it’s worth reflecting what we are experiencing and asking ourselves some questions. Is this a helpful emotion to be feeling? Is my emotion allowing me to think better/faster/more in depth? Am I affecting others with this emotion – positively or negatively? What does it take to diffuse this emotion? To increase its intensity? Is there a specific, common trigger for this emotion? By reflecting and making a log of our emotions we can build a picture of our emotional landscape, and we can start to assess the impact on our behaviours and, in turn, their impact on ourself, others and the world about us. In doing so we gain understanding which will allow us to take control of our emotions, and choose when we wish to display them – or not.
2. Understand others’ reactions and emotions
We can also start to focus on the emotions we observe in others. When we observe a change in a colleague or friend, we can think about what they might be experiencing, and why. We might be able to ask them what they are feeling, which will not only help us to understand better, but will also show them empathy and concern, if the emotion is a troublesome one. It’s really as simple as deciding to take notice, and building from there.
3. Reflect on successes
Observing how others react can help us in a number of ways, and by noting when we achieve a ‘success’ we can then build further upon it. By examining our emotions objectively, staying cool and taking deep breaths, we can have personal successes such as:
• making better decisions
• avoiding unnecessary conflict or embarrassment with others
• communicating our point more effectively (without emotion disrupting the message)
• managing our stress levels more effectively.
In terms of the impact we can have on others, we can:
• help relieve their stress
• be more supportive/empathetic and therefore get the best out of them
• diffuse conflict.
4. Understand triggers – what sets off a particular reaction?
If there is a particular trigger, or an emotion we are finding unhelpful as we learn more about ourselves, there is a technique that can be particularly helpful, which is to ‘predict’ how we are going to feel. If we can envisage a particular situation or trigger, or even choose to work through a number of outcomes for a particular scenario and the ensuing emotions they might cause, then we will be more prepared. And being prepared is half the battle, as they say. When we are surprised by our emotions (which incredibly we often are, if we are not self-reflective enough), then it’s as if we have ambushed ourselves, and no good can come out of that.
Other things to practice are:
• breaking up our activities so we break up any unhelpful emotional trends
• listening very actively to others: being in the present
• eating and sleeping well (simple advice, but critically important! When we are tired or run down we will revert more to unhelpful emotions, and we’ll forget all the good work we’ve been doing and fall back into bad habits.).
And then there’s the specific question of building relationships. If we empathise with others, are in tune with them, and are listening to them and communicating effectively with them, then the relationship is going to blossom. Further things we can do are, for instance, opening up ourselves to others, being helpful to them (giving some useful information, for instance) and sharing something personal. All these help to build trust, and mutual understanding, which are mainstays of a good relationship.
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Author: Caroline Stockmann, former Chief Executive, ACT