In the workplace, no is at once the smallest and the biggest of words.
Being the person who says no can feel monumental. Saying no to a boss, to a co-worker, to the CFO – any one of these could feel insurmountable.
But a key part of being a trusted business adviser means reserving the right to say no, while trying very hard to find a constructive way to say yes.
Because if you can’t say no, what value is there in your yes anyway?
Empathy is key to being able to say no constructively
There are lots of reasons why we may feel compelled to say yes. It may be our default position. We might worry about what others think if we say no. We can feel the pressure of others’ expectations and find it’s easier to say yes.
These short-term pressures are alleviated quickly once we say the magic word – yes. But that short-term gain can give way to significant and much more costly long-term pain.
Feeling resentful that we’ve ended up doing all the work is not a nice way to feel. Even more debilitating is agonising over whether something was the right strategic decision in the longer term.
And this feeling can be made even worse – twice as weighty – when the decision puts us at odds with our ethics.
Worrying can leave us feeling more isolated, afraid and stuck than if we’d had to go through the short-term pain of saying no.
If you generally struggle with saying no, it can help to set the issue in a bigger frame. Ask yourself:
Identifying with something bigger than just you and the person you’re saying no to can be a good way to support the part of you that’s struggling to hold its ground.
Saying no doesn’t have to be a major drama.
Think about how you position your no. How can you demonstrate that you’ve acted in the other person’s best interest? This isn’t manipulation. It’s effective communication.
Empathy is key to being able to say no constructively. Think about why the other person wants the ‘yes’ so much, as a means of finding a way to show them that your ‘no’ supports their wishes in the longer term.
Showing them the bigger picture to help them gain perspective can also be constructive.
You may not want to say no because the person asking is higher up the food chain than you.
It is vital to remember that it’s very easy for senior leaders to become trapped in an echo chamber. The echo chamber effect is the reason people are surprised by election results that differ from their social media feed’s viewpoint.
Having our own views reflected back to us may feel reinforcing, but isn’t terribly useful. What is useful is challenge.
Constructive, supportive challenge is the steel that sharpens senior leaders’ swords. We can’t challenge effectively if our first instinct is to say yes.
What’s more, high-quality leaders will expect you to say no when it really counts. If your default position is to find a way to support the company’s desired long-term outcome, your no will mean something.
It will be noticed, listened to and respected. If it isn’t, you may want to consider whether your leaders deserve your respect.
Thinking about this the other way round, how much are you as a leader creating a culture where constructive challenge is not just welcomed, but expected?
How do you react when people say no to you? Are you interested? Frustrated? Annoyed? How you react will set the tone for whether your team can say no to others, as well as to you.
If the team always tends to do what you want without you having to ask for it, that might not be a good sign. It could mean they’re afraid of you, or that they’re aiming for a quiet life by giving you what you want so you’ll go away.
It’s unlikely to mean that they’re seeing it as their mission to make the group as strong and successful as possible.
It’s a fundamental truth that it’s not what we say that people respond to, it’s what we do.
It’s not enough to say that you welcome challenge. You must really live that welcome. Be curious. Be excited. Thank the challengers. Reward the challengers. Saying “challenge me” while telling people to hurry up and get what you want done isn’t going to cut it.
The loneliest and most dangerous position a leader can find themselves in is when their team is afraid to say no to them. Gaining a reputation for encouraging and responding well to challenge is your greatest defence and an even greater gift for your team.
The ultimate test when deciding whether to say no is to ask if you will be able to look yourself in the eye if you say yes.
Whether it’s missing putting the kids to bed so you can stay at work to please your boss or finding yourself in the papers for a business decision gone bad, would you be happy with yourself for that outcome?
If you really want to say no, but you’re under serious, coercive pressure to say yes, that’s when you need help. Turning to HR may be an option. Or maybe you need to take the action of writing to a member of your board.
It might be painful in the short term, but you’ll still be able to look yourself in the eye. And don’t forget – if the dilemma is ethical and you need a sounding board, you can find helpful information right here.
Sometimes ‘no’ really is just two letters. Sometimes it’s something much bigger. When that’s the case, you don’t have to say no on your own.
Amanda Bradley FCT is an executive coach at Liberty EQ
This article was taken The Treasurer magazine. For more great insights, log in to view the full issue or sign up for eAffiliate membership