“I said no a lot – to what seemed like a lot of money. What's good for you in the short run is not necessarily good for you in the long run.”
So said enfant terrible cook and author the late Anthony Bourdain in a video interview with Fast Company last year.
In the clip, the New Yorker spoke with both wry amusement and moving reflection about the lucky break that catapulted him into the top ranks of celebrity chefdom.
As his life changed at pace, opportunities crawled out of the woodwork – but he was old and savvy enough to know that he didn’t want to be associated with most of the commercial offers put his way.
Stories like Bourdain’s are real wake-up calls. They demonstrate that many of the things in life that we perceive to be compulsory are, in fact, not. And that is particularly true within the milieu in which we are most likely to answer in the affirmative: the workplace.
There are some excellent and compelling reasons why we must say no at work, but they are all too often masked by our innate eagerness to please. Plus a large dose of fear: fear of being considered lazy, fear of conflict, fear of no longer having a job in which to express your sentiments one way or the other.
That powerful combination of eagerness and fear can prompt our most compliant smiles to flourish, and our most dutiful heads to nod, even when we are being hit by total curveballs that seem to have little or nothing to do with our standard remits.
But Eileen Carey – founder of mentoring software platform Glassbreakers – is adamant that those are the very scenarios in which it is most urgent to register a firm negative: “Say no at work when you are assigned a task that does not fall under your job description and could be easily accomplished by the person who is asking it,” she says.
“It's important to say no at work because it earns you respect,” she notes. “If you aren’t getting paid to do something and the task will take away time from accomplishing what you are paid to do, saying no demonstrates your commitment to your role and the value of your time.”
Other reasons why you may be itching to decline a request or instruction include: you don’t believe in the business case for the course of action that the task you’re being asked to fulfil will enable; the request grates with your values on a more ethical level; you have a family commitment that clashes with the extra time required to carry out the task – or you’re just plain incredibly busy.
All of them are perfectly valid. And there are ways and means of declining without being seen as a member of the Awkward Squad.
Here are some techniques that will make it easier for you to say no – and help you to feel more in control of the situation…
Regardless of how unreasonable or even fantastical the request may sound, don’t overreact. Absorb the news calmly and sagely. If you snap back at the person who is making the request, either verbally or by email, then it hands that individual ammunition to cast you as the unreasonable one. Don’t be rushed into saying yes – ask for time to give the request some thought.
Having bought yourself some time, conduct a quick, root-and-branch impact analysis of the request and note down all the reasons why, in its current form, it is not a goer. Bring those thoughts to the attention of the person who made the request in a calm and honest fashion.
It may be the case that you find during your assessment that if the terms of the request are altered slightly, you may be able to fulfil it after all. If so, see if you can find that wriggle room with the person who brought it to you. If not, then continue to explain your misgivings with equanimity, and in a way that is neither self-deprecating (which would undermine your position) nor visibly annoyed (which would feel hostile from the other person’s viewpoint).
Face-to-face communication really is the way forward, here. Emails scoop up all sorts of subconscious signals of frustration from the minds of their authors, which could easily translate into passive, or even active, aggression – particularly if sarcasm enters the mix. Best to speak your mind in the open, armed with an A4 sheet of straightforward reasons. Be neutral, unemotional and matter-of-fact in your tone.
Convey to the other party that you realise your ‘No’ will leave them at a disadvantage, because the problem they are looking to delegate will effectively remain in their hands. Suggest alternative personnel – or a combination thereof – who could tackle the request, so you are seen to be helping that person, sympathetically, to readdress the problem.
In return for that understanding, the person may express a realisation that they put you under undue pressure with their initial request.
With acknowledgements to: CNBC, Forbes, Harvard Business Review and Morgan Hunt.
Matt Packer is a freelance business, finance and leadership journalist